After time, every relationship can become disconnected and a little boring. Why not make this year the time to deepen your love by reconnecting and feeling appreciation and gratitude for each other?
Let’s face it – during the stress of your busy day, it’s easy to take each other and your relationship for granted. Yet, would you really be happier on your own? Do you actually want to shop around and start all over again? Do you believe things will be different a few years down the road with another person? Unless things are especially bad, probably not. Make an intention and a solid attempt to reconnect with the person you are with today.
Can you remember whom you fell in love with in the first place? Below are 8 practices I recommend for reconnecting to the feelings you had when you first met.
Create a morning ritual. What is the first thing you do in the morning when you open your eyes? This is a perfect time to consciously connect with your partner. You might ask them how they slept or how they feel and talk about the day ahead. Maybe you snuggle in a little closer, and exchange one thing you appreciate about each other. Out of bed, sharing a cup of tea or coffee while reading a passage or page in a shared book, walking, meditating or doing yoga together are fabulous morning practices to start your day.
Make regular time to take care of yourself. Many of us have been taught to take care of our spouse and family first. If so, you may be collapsing “selfish” with “self-care.” Think of your body as a “vessel” and your partner and/or family as “cups.” Trying to fill the cups from an empty vessel usually brings up feelings of resentment, frustration and martyr. Only after your needs have been met and your heart is full can you graciously give to others from a place of love.
Schedule regular times to communicate. This can be mealtime, a regular walk, or just a time to sit together. Make this time a priority without excuses or interruptions. Put together some rules you both agree on such as not answering the phone or multi-tasking. Give each other a specific amount of time to talk (say 5 minutes) without interruption and really listen to what your partner has to say. After they are complete, reflect back what you heard them say. Beginning your next sentence with, “What I heard you say is….” Reflecting your interpretation helps your partner to feel heard and respected. From here you can state your thoughts, feelings and beliefs in an “I” statement (see next).
Use “I” statements in your communication. It’s good to talk about how you feel and what you want as long as you take full responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and actions. Your partner cannot make you feel a certain way. They may trigger something inside of you, but no one has the power to control your emotions. Using “I” statements such as “I feel…” rather than, “You make me feel…” are respectful for both yourself and your partner.
Make time in your relationship to have fun! What is fun for the two of you? What did you do together when you first met? Turn off the T.V. and light a candle at dinner. Go on a date. Play a game. Walk together in nature. Read together. Dance. Laugh out loud. Schedule regular time together (like every Friday). Don’t wait for “later.” “Later” never happens.
Be 100% honest. Lies and non-truths erode trust in a relationship. Without trust, you have no foundation to build a strong relationship upon. Do you keep secrets? Do you tell “white-lies”? Do you have a behavior you are ashamed of? This could be in the form of addictions… shopping, food, gambling, pornography, or alcohol to name a few. If you want more passion and connection in your marriage it’s time to address the “dark lover.” Talk about it with your partner and feel your love and connection expand.
Forgive yourself and/or your partner for the past. Do you hold pockets of guilt for something you did? Do you find yourself reliving old stories, continuing to play the blame/victim game? It’s time to forgive and move on. Your lack of forgiveness, whether for your self or for your partner is the choice not to change, keeping your relationship small and disempowered. Stop the drama and move on.
Make your bedroom a place just for the two of you. Your bedroom is not a place for T.V., exercise equipment, an office or photos of children and family. Keep it intimate. Keep it sacred. Keep it only for nurturing your relationship.
Just like anything in your life, your relationship needs attention and nurturing to survive and thrive. Give one or more of these practices a try this month. You’ll be glad you did.
It’s time again for new beginnings. I like to think of the New Year as an unplanted garden and a fresh start to new life. What do you want to grow this year? The perfect job? Your beloved? A family? A new adventure?
As with any garden, it’s important to till and nourish the soil before planting your seeds of intention. Here are some powerful questions to make sure your soil is fertile and rich:
What is it time to celebrate? Acknowledging success expands opportunities for more success. Stop and celebrate all you have done and become over the past year.
What am I tolerating? This could be a job you do not like, verbal abuse from someone you live with, clutter, a messy home or office, or as simple as a squeaky door. It is time to address that unhealthy habit or environment. What’s the impact this is having on your happiness, your health and your life?
Do you take time for fun? If not, why not? What is fun to you? When was the last time you laughed out loud? What is the price of not taking time for fun?
What’s your story? Do you hold on to the past, resenting people and experiences in your life, or do you see them as teachers and opportunities for helping to propel you forward? What if everyone and everything was in your life for a reason? It’s time to let go of that small story of yours and think GREAT story.
Do you see the DARK side or the BRIGHT side of a situation? Do you believe life is hard or easy? No matter your belief you are right, so choose wisely. Remember, it’s all in your perspective.
What do you desire? Get clear with your DREAMS for 2012. Could it be a new relationship? More romance and intimacy? More money? Better health? Get clear with what you DESIRE, IMAGINE your future with it in place, clear the weeds and pests of your limiting beliefs and EXPECT “This or something better, with harm to none.”
What are you afraid of? Is it true? If so, is there something you can do about it? Face it, address it and move on. If not, let it go and move on. Fears will keep you stuck, like deer in the headlights.
What unfinished business do you have? Is there a grudge you’re still holding on to? A project to complete? Unpaid bills or money owed? Have you promised someone something and not followed through? These things WILL drag you down. Take care of them today!
How do you ground your Self? How do you connect to your higher truth and inner wisdom? Most of us do this by spending time in nature, meditation, writing, yoga, a church or spiritual community. Do you have a practice that honors your inner Self? Connect with it daily.
What is your action plan or goals? What do you need to do to get from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow? Be specific. When will you do it? How will you know when you’re there? What support do you need?
Take some time for yourself today to reflect upon these questions. To get the most from this exercise, it’s helpful to write about them in a journal or talk through them with a friend.
By preparing the soil today, tomorrow’s harvest will be abundant and rewarding.
Three weeks ago I declared Christmas was not coming out of the storage boxes. Knowing our children or friends from the U.S. were not visiting this year, I tried to pretend Christmas wasn’t important. With it being summer here in New Zealand, I figured I’d just pretend it was June and get on with my life.
Then we received our first Christmas card. “Okay,” I said to myself, “maybe one Christmas CD and a box of decorations…but no tree!”
Upon opening that first box of goodies and allowing the Christmas magic to seep into the room, I was immediately overcome with memories of Christmases past… cutting down our tree in the forest just past the meadow where we lived, pulling it home on the sleigh with our youngest riding on top. Making gingerbread houses with lots of candies, frosting and giggles. Christmas cookies in the oven, carols in the background while our family decorated the tree.
In that moment I knew I had a choice. I could indulge myself by dropping into self-pity and sorrow (something I could have easily done in the past) or, tap into my authentic sadness – and then into gratitude for creating these memories and this incredible life I am living today.
Remembering the ebb and flow of life consists of highs and lows, it wasn’t hard to tap into gratitude…for everything in my life, including the sweet sadness.
Ah life! Like a big tossed salad -or fruit cake – the combination of sweet, sour and savory help to add complexity and character to life.
It wasn’t but a few moments later we received, not one, but two invitations to join dear friends for Christmas lunch. And, the very next day a thoughtful friend and her daughter dropped by with a freshly cut tree!
It’s wonderful to feel my whole realm of authentic emotions!
I have learned when I’m responsible for all of my emotions I can consciously choose to live my life from love, joy, happiness and peace. I also know, the only way to do this it is to be grounded in the present rather than caught up in stories of past or future.
What big learning did you have for 2011?
Remember, your life insights don’t always seem like a big deal when you reflect upon them. Being present and responsible with all your emotions, catching yourself when you become a victim and begin to blame others for your circumstances, taking time in the morning for inner reflection and/or journal writing, asking for help instead of being a martyr all sound rather insignificant, but when it begins to shift your whole life from a place of struggle and dissatisfaction to more love, joy and freedom, now that’s BIG STUFF!
I consider myself to be a happy and friendly person. Most of you who know and work with me will probably agree. For the most part, my life is easy, fun and love-filled. But that was not exactly the case last week.
Last week, conflict was coming at me. The strangest things were happening all around. People were confronting, swearing, upset, and confused. In 4 days, I had 3 situations where I was the hub of some unsettling frustration and stress. What was going on?
One of the things I love about the work I do is taking full responsibility for creating everything in my life. I know I am not a victim of anything. I know that things are happening for a reason. And in that knowing, I need to pay attention to what is going on around me to understand what is going on inside of me.
I know I attract and create everything in my life. I also know, what I see in my outer world is a direct reflection of what’s going on in my inner world. When I am living in the higher frequencies of love, beauty, fun and trust, I find myself surrounded with much love, beauty, fun and trust. When I hold inner conflict such as confusion, frustration or anger, my feedback is outer conflict.
I was experiencing conflict. So, where was this conflict inside of me? After slowing things down enough to notice, here’s what I discovered.
Always being open to new ideas, I have been working with some leaders in my industry to grow my business. Much of what I am learning is fun and empowering. And, there are a few things that just don’t resonate with me at all. Because I have such respect for these “successful” people and admire how they are helping so many others, I continued to model after these “experts.”
I was trying to do it “right.”
The thing is, some things that might be working for them were not feeling right for me. And no matter how powerful these things are for others, if they are not feeling right for me, they are not going to work for me.
After connecting with my higher self through meditation, quiet moments and a little help from my coach, I realized I was trying to implement some ideas in my business, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I “should.” It didn’t take me long to realize it was scoring less than a 7 or 8 on my “Happiness Meter.” This was the inner struggle.
As soon as I realized my inner conflict, it was like a huge space opened up around me. Instead of feeling the constricting emotions of worry and doubt and trying to “make” it happen, I felt optimistic and hopeful again… expansive emotions! Instead of listening to my ego tell me what I should be doing, I followed my heart and listened to my intuition. My inner peace returned. From this place, I do what I love and love what I do. I trust the right people will find me.
And that’s exactly what showed up. As soon as I made the connection and let it go, I received three new clients in three days. Once again, my world is immersed in connection, love and joy!
Take a moment now and look around your world. What do you see in your life that is reflecting back your beliefs, fears or emotions? Begin by asking yourself these questions:
* Do I constantly find myself struggling with money? If so, what are my deeper beliefs around money and people who have money? * Are people around me angry? Where am I holding anger? * Do I feel judged by others? How might I be judging myself?
On the other hand,
* Do I see the beauty around me? If so, I know my own beauty. * Do I make friends easily? Are people attracted to being with me? If so, I am comfortable with myself. * Am I surrounded by love? If so, I love.
Get curious and remember to have compassion for yourself and for your world. You are awakening to a place of empowerment…and a higher truth.
Gratitude is an attitude we cultivate with practice. It’s a tangible force. Think of it as a muscle we develop over time. The more you use it the stronger it gets.
It is one thing to be grateful for things that feel good and are already creating and generating happiness. It’s another thing to be grateful for the “hard stuff.” You know, those times where your heart’s been broken, you’ve lost your job or things just aren’t going the way you want them to. In these moments it’s easy to reach for self-pity, doubt, victim and blame; the world of your negative ego.
As I was leaving my house for an appointment today, my car didn’t start. At first I was frustrated at my husband for not being there to help me. Next, I was angry at the universe for making it hard. Finally, I took some deep breaths, called the person who I was meeting and told them I’d be late. I got my bike and helmet from the garage and started down my driveway. I wasn’t one minute into it before I realized what a blessing this had become. Being on my bike was exactly what I needed! In that moment, I felt a wave of gratitude come over me. I was grateful for the beauty of the day, the fresh air on my face, the exercise I was getting and the time to slow things down and notice. This felt great and it was much more spacious and liberating than the frustration and anger I was previously feeling.
Gratitude at this level is about being aware and taking personal responsibility for what’s going on and it’s impact on you. It’s easier to numb out in drama rather than trusting in the lesson or the bigger picture. You cannot be in your negative ego and feel gratitude at the same time. Gratitude helps you take your mind away from the fear or anger and redirect it toward trust and peace. Now really, where would you rather hang out?
I’m not saying don’t feel the pain of anger or sadness. Releasing clean emotions is important and healthy. But the key is to release them. Let them go and quickly reach for gratitude.
Gratitude is an expansive emotion. In other words, the more you feel grateful the more things you will create to be grateful for. It propels you forward in confidence, peace and trust. And, it feels good!
Below are seven ways to generate more gratitude in your life:
Every morning upon awakening or in the evening before falling asleep, remember five things you are grateful for. Actually saying them out loud turns up the gratitude volume. By hearing your voice say the words you are taking them out of your head and really claiming them as yours.
Keep a gratitude journal. Add to it when you are feeling particularly grateful. Pouring stories, photos, words and pictures into this journal is like pouring this higher frequency onto the pages. Then, when you are in a funk and need a little help accessing gratitude, you can open up the book and reconnect to this wonderful energy.
When things aren’t going in the direction you desire, drop out of your head (where your ego lives) and into your body. Slow things down by taking a few deep breaths and get curious. Ask yourself, “Where is the gift here? How could this be propelling me in a more positive direction? What would it be like to trust in this moment?” Try to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty. What are your blessings instead of your problems?
Get into the habit of tapping into gratitude through out your day. Safely arriving at your destination, reconnecting with a loved one or sitting down to a meal are all perfect times for this.
Remember to be grateful for the simple things. Spend time in nature taking in the natural beauty around you. Listen to the sweet sounds of the birds, feel the wind on your skin and smell the freshness in the air.
Look in the mirror and thank your body for taking such good care of you.
Tell someone you love just how grateful you are to have them in your life.
In fact, why don’t you do that last one RIGHT NOW!
After time, every relationship can become disconnected and a little boring. Why not make this year the time to deepen your love by reconnecting and feeling appreciation and gratitude for each other?
– the combination of sweet, sour and savory help to add complexity and character to life.
